Without further ado - A Fine Apple.

“Well, that was… weird,” Quill thought as she closed the door behind her. She stood outside the door for a minute, listening to see if the crazy Khajiit inside her house would get up to anything stupid. She heard nothing until suddenly she heard the distinct sound of pawpads running towards the door from the inside.

“Holy shit! She’s coming! I can’t let her catch me spying on her!” Quill Weave thought quickly and leaped atop the nearest hiding place she could find, which turned out to be the neighbor’s patio roof. To call it a roof was, perhaps, a little generous. It might keep rainwater from falling to the floor underneath well enough, but her first touch proved it would not hold a fully grown Argonian from doing the same. In a panic, she leaped from one support beam to the next, barely avoiding collapsing the whole structure before she managed to jump onto a branch and swing back to the ground.

She glanced back and saw the cat standing in her doorway, looking straight at her. She bounded away over a fence and out of sight before stopping to catch her breath.

“Damn it! Pull yourself together girl! She’s just a cat and a scraggly one at that. You don’t even like Khajiits. Do you?” the Argonian asked herself.

Still, she did use her Gaydar at the bar the other day, she realized. Was she disappointed with the result? If not, why do it in the first place? Of course, it’s not every day you see a naked Khajiit hanging from the roof at the bar. There’s some real talent there…

“I’m gonna need a drink,” she decided. “Just as soon as I get done at the castle!”

**************

It took no time to drop in and ask about bringing her ‘friend’ to dinner of course, so rather than head back to encounter that cat again, she opened the door to her second home. Fortunately the bartender was being friendly today and didn’t give her a hard time.

“That was quite a night last night, eh Quill?” he asked as he handed her the third bottle.

Quill spent a millisecond considering if she should tell him about her discovery that the cat had trashed her house and was still there. Some things just needn’t be public knowledge. Instead she downed half the bottle before replying, “Yeah, quite a performance.”

“You going to pay me back for that pineapple? Those things aren’t easy to get around here you know.”

Quill sighed. “Oh, I guess. Here. Will that cover it?”

The bartender appraised the coins she’d plunked down. “Quill, that will buy the pineapple AND another case!”

“Well then bring it man!”

An hour later, the room was swimming. But that was alright, Quill Weave liked swimming. Sitting on a bar stool without falling off, however, was getting more challenging.

“Look MISHTER,” she was saying to where the bartender had been a moment ago, “Jush because I looked at her doesn’t mean I was interesting in her or anyth.”

“Oh, are you still talking about that Khajiit?” said his voice from behind her as he was mopping up some liquor that had missed her mouth somehow.

“STHAY IN ONE PLACE DAMMIT! Sop sneaking around behind me. What kinda barthender are you anyway?”

“Well I was just saying, you don’t use that on everybody. You’ve never used it on me!”

“Yer not my thype, baldy.”

“So, she is your type then?”

“She’s a slutcat. Parading around nekked like that. If I wanned to be a slut, I’d be the best slut this town has ever seen. I’d hang upthide down bettern she ever did.”

“I’m sure you would… say, don’t you think you’ve had enough? It’s still afternoon and you’re sloshed, Quill.”

“I’m juss saying. You like me donchoo? You doen wanna see me nekked on the ceiling do you?”

“No Quill. I don’t want to see you naked.”

“I bet I cood do that thing with the pineapple too. Probably better'n her. Wimpy little cat. And I could do it without splatting the whole thing all over too! Hey! I see another pineabble back there! Gimme that.”

“Quill, you don’t need that pineapple.”

Quill pondered that for a minute. “Do I need a pineabble?”

“No, you don’t. You need to go home. You can go take a nap and sleep this off. You were saying you have a dinner to go to at the castle tonight Quill. You need to go home.”

“I do, don’t I? Do you know where my house is?”

******************

As she staggered home, somewhere in the back of her addled brain she realized it was best she take the back way home. She paused to relieve herself of some excess drink and looked curiously at the clear liquid she’d brought back up for a while, not quite understanding what it was she was looking at. Then she looked at the little ball with a string tied to it and the orange that the bartender had given her. He was right, she decided. She’d have to work up to the pineapple. She took off her clothes and started to practice.

When finally she floated to the door in front of her house, she stared at it for a little while. “Why are you on the wrong side?” she asked the door. “You should be the other way around.” She knocked at her own door. “Hello? Who’s there?” she answered herself. Nobody answered, so she opened the door.

The cat was standing there with a beard of suds, looking at her dumbfounded. “Quill Weave?”

“Oh! I’m thorry. I thought thith was my houth. Thorry misther.”

“Quill, are you drunk?” the Khajiit asked, wiping the suds-beard off her chin.

“Oh! Hi Katia. Did you see that old man? You’re looking fine. Did you take a bath? Mmm. You smell clean,” Quill drawled, staggering into the Khajiit.

“QUILL! Stop that!”

“You’re one fine-looking cat you know. Hey! Wanna see me do a trick? I’ve been practith. Praktish.. Dammit, I’ve been P R A C T I C I N G! Now where is that ball and orange? Katia, do you see a ball or an orange on me anywhere?”

“I see a lot of you Quill, but sorry, no ball or orange.”

“Oh! Here’s that ball!” Quill said, finding the toy where Katia hadn’t looked.

“OH MY GOD! QUILL!”

“You know, if you were a toy, you’d be whoa-yo!”

“Quill! Be careful, the bath-tub is right there.”



“…and if you were a fruit, you’d be a FINE-apple!”

And with that, she fell butt-first into the tub.

********************

Katia was smiling, but made the oath anyway. “Never. I promise.”

“I mean it. Just forget that ever happened,” Quill said. “Thanks for getting me sober again, but really really forget it. It didn’t happen.”

“Of course not. Don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

Quill looked at the cat. That was a shit-eating grin if ever she’d seen one.

“Don’t even talk about it. Please.”

“Did you manage it?”

Quill was puzzled. “Manage what?”

“The ball… and orange…”

“I… don’t remember. I hope not.”